I can, finally, publish this…
Upon the death of my sister (Nov 18, 2019) preceded by our mother (July 29, 2018), and father (July 11, 2015)
It’s like we were on a grand adventure. They took me along, I had fun, learned a lot and did well. We all did. Now they’ve headed off again and I am left on this shore, feeling at home, but, yet not. My ‘home’ is/was them, not a place. I am seemingly caught between two worlds, my Dutch heritage and living in western Canada. So, now I feel loose, unsteady. I stand on this shore, my captain (dad), my navigator (mom) and my shipmate (my sister) re-embarked and gone. I’m staring across the expanse wondering where they went and why they didn’t take me. In this life I have become, finally and somewhat reluctantly, complete master of my own destiny. I will remember them, they ‘live’ in me still. I belong nowhere, but with them, and it will be a long long time before, perhaps, I am with them again. That, is my singular loneliness.
But I am not lonely in another sense for on this shore I have company, my chosen one and good friends, lots of friends, and kin, most left by my sister. While there is love between us, it does not fill the hole that remains. It is this hole, in the end, I have to carry on and live with until it is my turn to take flight.